Getting personal

It’s hard to be vulnerable – to let people know how you’re really feeling. We are conditioned to believe that we need to be tough, to put our best, most in-control self out there for the world to see. When someone asks, how are you? Our response is usually “I’m good, how are you?” We don’t like (or just aren’t accustomed to) going deeper and getting more personal.

So how am I? I’m okay, how are …. no, nope, that’s not true. I’m not okay. I’m a mess actually. I’m so lost, unsure, insecure. My eyes are getting misty as I’m typing this, but I’m in Starbucks, so I’m just gonna pull my baseball cap down a little more and keep acting like I’m a college student typing up a term paper…

Because I need to have it together. My life is easy! I’m so darn blessed and lucky to have all the opportunity and supportive people I do in my life. I am able to travel and do things and be financially fine without having a job right now. I must be really messed up to feel the way I do. Other people would get over it. They would move on, they would be stronger than me, they would make a plan, they would get a job… why can’t I get it together?!

That’s the biggest obstacle I need to overcome. Comparison. And then move on to acceptance. I can’t compare myself to every one else. No one is living life as Lainey. I’m my own person, my own unique jumble of traits. Once I can stop the comparisons, I need to accept myself for who I am and all the uniqueness that makes me, me.

It’s so much easier said than done. I’ve now read three self-help books since I, in a sense, fell apart. And do I have it any more together? A little. But those moments of feeling ambitious and inspired, they can only be cultivated if I continuously remember to keep on pushing. Keep improving. Keep my head held high.

Patience is important too. I’ve had many people say, take your time, you’re young, you’re smart, you’ll figure it out. And while this is so encouraging, in order to take it to heart, I need to believe it too. That it’s O.K., that I am smart, that I’m going to figure it out eventually, that it doesn’t have to be solved overnight, next week, even next month. I need to accept that my life isn’t for others, my life is mine and should be lived reflecting that belief… In a way that makes sense to me.

I just finished reading The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. It’s based on ancient Toltec wisdom and the advice is very relevant today. 

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

Living a life of peace involves making decisions every day to be true to yourself, true to those around you, and true to the life you intend to live. According to Miguel, we are all living in a dream we create, whether through emotions, assumptions, expectations… and we can all take action to control that dream.