Embracing Change

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”    -Socrates

Change is scary. Not knowing what’s next is uncomfortable.

Cue my current state: I quit my job. There, I said it. Whew. Okay…

If you know me, you know I can’t hide anything. I am a VERY open book to say the least. My feelings are often close to the surface and I’m definitely an over-thinker. This is a good quality in many senses. I have honest, real friendships. I was a successful student. And through experiences over my life, I’ve gradually learned how I tick. It can also make life complicated when I’m trying to make something work that’s difficult, with my emotions being hard to control and easy to read.

I dislike change. That’s why about a year ago, in the midst of my final fall in Pullman (Go Cougs!) as my friends and classmates started to look for jobs, I stalled. Finally, I’m comfortable. Why do I have to mess with it? I have the best friends I could ask for, parties and football games are my weekend plans, and I’m taking a bowling class. Life is good! Life is easy.

Next thing I know, it’s our career fair and things are getting real. After making a few unfruitful loops around the concourse, I end up choosing my company targets by the look of their booths. How’s the color scheme? Cool brand logo? Happy looking people? A great way to decide my future career, I’d say. After a conversation with a woman who had a colorful brochure and a nice smile, I have a phone interview set up for the next week. The week after that, an in-office interview. And the week after that, a job. It’s not even March and I’m an employed, soon-to-be graduate! I have a plan. Go me.

Graduation comes and summer begins. I’m living the good life of ease before entering the workforce. I have a solid chunk of free time before I fly out to training at my company’s headquarters to begin my job. However, every summer day was my countdown to that change.

I was nervous, over-thinking and worrying. Yet, my time in Minneapolis was exactly what I needed to reassure me I was working for the right company. It was all about the people I met and connected with, they were the best, instant friends. Those two weeks flew by and next thing I knew, I was back in Spokane and headed to my office. Nerves set in again.

The first month was a breeze. Yes, I was frustrated at not knowing what in the world I was doing and feeling like I wasn’t contributing, but I was new! This was my first job, what else should I expect? I stayed motivated through the optimism that the next month things would start to click.

Sales calls. To me, those became two very unpleasant, five-letter words. Sales. Calls. They aren’t easy to say the least, and I was gradually trying to become more comfortable with them. Smile and dial, I told myself. Yes, I had a few good conversations, but most of those didn’t lead anywhere and people weren’t interested in what I had to offer. Then there was the persistence I’d have to learn. Oh, so you’ve left a voicemail, two emails, and haven’t gotten through to them five other times? Better try again! I was dealing with a lot of emotions and uncertainties.

Month three: I was ready for a change. I just had returned from the best weekend in Wyoming, celebrating the life of one of the coolest guys I knew, my Uncle Gerhard. He was the kind of guy that was quiet, yet articulate. Loved music, beer and good company. He was a hard worker who made a beautiful life for those around him. He was Gerhard.

Times spent surrounded by family and friends, love and true emotion, joy and sadness, laughter and tears – those times make you think. Thinking, who me? I began asking myself questions. How am I currently living? Am I living each day in a way that makes me feel content and proud and blessed? Am I living my best life?

Fast forward – here I am just over two weeks later, sitting in the sun at the kitchen table on the farm, typing. Yes, I quit my job and I am starting a blog. Talk about falling back and becoming a cliché! But you know what? I am content with the fact that I quit my first real, big girl job after just three months. However, do I feel a sense of guilt, like I’m not living up to people’s expectations and that they are going to judge me? Yes, I do.

I’m realizing, life isn’t always going to be a step-by-step, figured out sort of thing, that everyone approves of or agrees with. Life is unexpected, full of change and often unknown. We aren’t expected to have it all together, let alone all figured out. Yes, we need direction and goals and to be living with a sense of purpose. But, it’s also understanding our feelings, taking chances and not necessarily following what you think others expect of you. It’s being true to you and what you need. After all, who knows you better than yourself?

So yes. I quit my job. Does this change scare me? Yes. Does it excite me too? It really does.

There’s a poem by Mary Oliver and at the end, she asks this thought provoking question:

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”

So, here’s to making a plan and living this wild, precious life, one day at a time.